Green Chicken Chilaquiles Casserole



Photo from http://www.theothersideofthetortilla.com/



We are having a RELIC for dinner tonight. An insanely delicous, knock your socks off relic of a recipe.
Way back in 1995, when the FoodTV Network was just beginning, there was a team of women who called themselves (and their show) Too Hot Tamales.  The "tamales" were Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger and they are singlhandedly responsible for taking my love of authentic Mexican food and turning them into real recipes that an American could cook.  Not the Tex Mex stuff that is as much 'Mexican' as american-style 'Chinese Food' is Chinese.  Not that I dont' love a good Tex Mex dish (heck, I'll even eat a bad Tex-Mex dish, especially if someone else cooks it!) but once you've met the REAL Mexico and the blinders are off, there's no substitute for it.  And sadly, there are VERY few places in the northern part of the US to get it.

Rick Bayless may have started the movement to bring comida authentica Mexicana to us gringos, but Mary Sue and Susan were the ones who brought it to me, late at night in my parent's family room on Miller Drive - before I knew how to cook or had my own kitchen in which to do it.  But this recipe had my name written all over it because it reminded me of the delicious dishes that were cooked for me when I visited my dear friend Jimena in Mexico.  She and her mother are incredible chefs, and even published their own cookbook a few years ago.  For me - a girl who, at 16, had never eaten anything more exotic than lasagna (let alone visited a foreign country) my trip to their home in Mexico that summer, along with the people I met, the places we visited, and the food we shared, will always be one of my life's most wonderful memories.

For the uninitiated CHILAQUILES (chee-la-KEE-less) are traditional and popular Mexican dish that combines tortillas with sauce and cheese in a delicious casserole that varies by region and even by family. I'm sure that like most traditional dishes, it originated as a way to use up extra food (like leftover tortillas).  In Mexico City, where I spent most of my time, the typical sauce is a red chile sauce and it can get pretty spicy. 

In a way, chilaquiles is a Mexican equivalent to Italian lasagna, which is why I probably loved it so much!  Unlike lasagna though, chilaquiles are most often eaten for breakfast or brunch.  Jimena served them at her wedding because the reception went all night and she knew her guests would be grateful for a bite to eat when the sun came up (we sure were!).  But the ones the caterer made weren't nearly as good as her mother's.  I think that's because, like any traditional food, it tastes best when it's made with love. :)

The recipe for tonight's dinner is the one from Too Hot Tamales, which I printed out 16 years ago and dragged with me through marriage, children, and three moves.  It took ten years before I was able to cook it the first time, because it was nearly impossible to find the ingredients in Massachusetts outside of a specialty grocery store in the city.  But here in Chicagoland, we are blessed to have a large mexican population, and our grocery stores, (and even the local Walmart!) sell foods that aren't even on the radar back on the east coast.  Tomatillos are everywhere and I can find mexican cheeses that my grocers in Massachusetts had never even heard of!

Here is the recipe, adapted by yours truly to save time and money (which weren't issues for the professional chefs who wrote it!)  I'm so glad to put it down for posterity because my worn and torn old printout needed a backup!

Green Chicken Chilaquiles

INGREDIENTS:
Four chicken breasts, poached and shredded (or be thrifty and use leftover chicken!)
12 corn tortillas
½ cup vegetable oil
3tsp Salt
½ tsp fresh ground black pepper
½ cup cold water
1 pound tomatillos, husked, washed and quartered
2-4 large jalapenos, chopped (seeds and stems removed unless you like ‘em hot!)
1 large bunch of cilantro
1 ½ onions cut in quarters
½ cup heavy cream (substitute half & half to cut fat and calories)
1 cup grated Manchego cheese (if unavailable, substitute Pecorino or Parmesan)
½ cup grated Anejo cheese (if unavailable, substitute Pecorino or Parmesan)
2 cups Panela Cheese (if unavailable, substitute Ricotta)

Heat oven to 350° and spray a 4 quart casserole with cooking spray.

Combine the cheeses in a bowl.

In a blender, blend the tomatillos, two quarters of the onion, jalapenos, water, cilantro and 2tsp salt until no large chunks remain.

In a medium skillet over medium-low heat, heat the oil. Cook the tortillas one at a time about 5 seconds per side to soften, and then stack on paper towels to drain.

Slice the remaining onion as thinly as you can. In a large mixing bowl, combine the onion, tomatillo salsa, cream (or half & half), 1 tsp salt, black pepper and chicken. Push the solids to the sides of the bowl, letting the juices pool in the middle. You will dip the tortillas in the juice as you assemble the casserole.

Now it’s time to assemble the casserole! (Phew! I know that was a lot of work, but it’s going to be SO worth it!) The layers go like this:

A thin layer of the cheese mixture
4 tortillas dipped in salsa
½ the chicken and sauce
½ the cheese
4 tortillas dipped in salsa
½ the chicken
½ the cheese
4 tortillas dipped in salsa

Cover tightly with tin foil and bake for 45 minutes.  Remove the tin foil and bake for 15 minutes more, or until the edges are brown and the sauce is bubbly.  Let sit for 10 minutes before slicing and enjoy! (or should I say, salud!)

Edited to add: I am so proud of my little sous chefs tonight!  Molly husked and washed the tomatillos and cilantro and Jack quartered all the tomatillos and measured out all the ingredients.  They were both totally grossed out by the green salsa (I personally thought it was glorious!) and abandoned me to go assemble their own plain quesadillas.  And Marc went bananas for the dish - he couldn't stop complimenting the chefs.   I don't go to this much effort to put dinner on the table often, so I'm glad that when I do, it's worth it!  Like I said, food just tastes better when it's made with love!

Things I'm working on (or at least thinking about)

My 2010 year-end wrap up post
My New Year's Manifesto post
The many Christmas photos I want to post
The mudroom reveal
Where in the world my Cricut cord is so I can finish the mudroom so I can take photos for the reveal
The gingerbread waffle batter I need to make (except that it's two am and my contact lenses are so dried out I can only see out of one eye)
Jack's big night out at MOTO
This really cute family silhouette I made on Widdly Tinks



My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

I Have a Dream

I still remember vividly the first time I heard the story of my parent's moving to North Carolina and my mother offering the movers a glass of lemonade.  Granted I was little, and I probably remember the story all wrong, but the gist of it was this - they had worked like dogs in the hot, hot weather and she offered them a cold drink.  Both of the movers accepted the drink gladly, but one drank his inside, while the other insisted on drinking his outside.  Why?  Because one of the movers was white and one was black.  And even though this was POST segregation, it was still the south, and black folks didn't fraternize with white folks, period.

Being a lifelong Yankee, my mother was taken aback when it happened - as all of us kids were upon hearing the story.  Not that predjudice and racism doesn't exist in New England, because certainly it does everywhere...but the social component that determined who could do what, when and where, and with whom, was a completely foreign concept to me.

Monday was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and we celebrated by tearing apart our mudroom...I mean, we celebrated by spending some time talking about  Dr. King and what he stood for and how he, and others like him, helped change the world we live in for the better. 

For Christmas, Santa brought each of the children a book that I'm sure he chose especially because we have moved to a wonderfully diverse community that has sparked some interesting questions and concerns by some of the little people in our household.  I read through them with the children over the weekend.

Jack recieved "One World, One Day" by Barbara Kerley.  It's a photographic journey through one day as it's lived by many different children from all over the world.  I found myself getting lost looking up where each and every photograph came from - everywhere from Texas to Russia to Bolivia to Myanmar to Nigeria.  Beautiful pictures and a mesmerizing way in which she's interwoven it all.
Molly was given "Shades of People" by Shelley Rotner and Sheila Kelly.  We have spent a very, VERY long time, painstakingly going through each shade from cream, to ivory, to cocoa, to coffee and everything in between.  Figuring out who we know that has skin in that exact shade and which shade is just like us and "would you call this coffee or cinnamon, Mommy?"  They are FASCINATED by the variety of children in the book.  But to be honest, I think Ben and Molly are most fascinated by the names of colors assigned to each "shade".  And they both want to be ROSY, just like the little boy on page four who clearly has been running around in the sunshine for too long and needs a good drink of water!

Ben received "Global Babies" by the Global Fund for Children.  It features beautiful babies from all over the world.  My kids just want to know where this one got his cool hat.  And can they have one too?




Marc would probably say "Who the heck cares? People are people!  Who cares if they're all white or not all white, or pink or purple or striped."  But I think it's kind of awesome that our kids are growing up in a place where first names like Prakash, Gustavo, Shreyant, Navya and Mauricio and last names like Sciackitano, Vanderheyden, Rachapalli and Fahoum roll off their tongues (though mom may need some remedial assistance!)

Segregation was abolished decades ago - institutional segregation that is.  But social and economic and geographic segregation still persist.  All one has to do is look at Maine or Vermont or the South Side of Chicago for proof.   If my kids can grow up, at least for a time, in a place where some of those other barriers to desegregation are absent, where they get to experience firsthand what Dr. King helped win for them with hard work, perserverance and eventually his own life, then we are all better for it. 

As Molly wrote on her artwork from school last week...
"I hav ai dreem that evreebutee gesulong."

Why am I painting ceilings at midnight?

I'm sure if you asked Marc, he did not *intend* for me to be painting the closet ceiling at midnight.  He simply thought that he'd get the ball rolling on our mudroom redo - maybe take the closet doors off and get some hooks on the wall and it would be a step in the right direction.  Clearly he had no IDEA what he was getting into.  Because a mudroom renovation for ME is akin to construction of a personal poker lounge for him.  I imagine that when he has four seconds to daydream (and with his current schedule, it probably isn't often) he visualizes cherry paneling on the walls, the perfect comfy chairs, the most incredible poker table(s) and maybe even a little side door with a small window through which he can ask guests the password for the night before letting them in.  He sees how this poker lounge would change his life in a multitude of happy ways.  He can practically feel himself basking in the glow of it.  Maybe he even Googles poker lounge images once in a while to make sure he has the best ideas on board if and when the time comes that he gets to make his dream a reality.

This is precisely how I feel about my mudroom.  The mudroom I have yearned for, dreamed of, even built once in our old house.  The mudroom that was on my priority list for our new house.  My top THREE priorities in fact.   The mudroom that sadly, was passed over in favor of other wonderful features in our new house.

Coming up with the idea to take the closet doors off of our mudroom closet and instead turn it into lockers was the lightning bolt that reignited my hopes and dreams.  That one day, my three children and I could make it into our jackets and boots and out the door without knocking each other over or dumping out  bags of rogue mittens to find the pair that went missing. 

This was NOT something to be taken lightly or jumped into without the proper planning.  I have been googling images for months and sketching images for weeks and scouting supplies whenever I could.

See?

There was the one that got it all started,

The one with the floor of my dreams, reminiscent of our Beacon Hill apartment
(and can I just say THANK YOU to Better Homes and Gardens for watermarking it's images so I can give proper credit?  Also, can I say SORRY! for the images that no one bothered to watermark, that I shamefully can not give proper credit?)

There was the Martha Stewart one with crisp green walls and awesome metal buckets and perfect simple bench,

the one that reminded me of the Martha one but with a little more organizational bling,

the one with the killer print on the cushion,

the stripey walled one that makes me giddy with it's chic style and matching baskets,

the other one that was crafted from an existing closet that makes great use of the space just like the original,

and the one with the custom white cabinetry and glowing tangerine walls that makes my heart go pitty pat!

This is why I was slightly taken aback when, on Monday morning, Marc announced with conviction "We're gonna get the mudroom started today."  I attempted to explain why this was not a feasible plan of action, but was confused into agreement with comparisons of mudrooms to software and big words like "iteration".  We needed ITERATIONS you see, because if we waited for perfection then we'd be missing the opportunity to have an imperfect but more functional  mudroom TODAY.  This ITERATION would just be the first PHASE of a number of phases which would eventually lead us mudroom nirvana.

Like I said, I'm sure he figured we'd just take the doors off, throw up some hooks and call it done.

Anyone who knows me (well, anyone besides Marc, who didn't quite catch on) knew that I couldn't let that happen.  Which is why I've spent the last two nights awake into the wee hours, painting and spackling and painting some more...and the days searching online and in stores for the cast of characters I need - a bench, coat hooks, molding, buckets, bins and the like.  I don't have time to find perfection because my mudroom is torn apart and my life is crumbling around it - so I just need to find what will work.  Right now that is a Bjursta bench from IKEA which I'll assemble and paint tomorrow (and make a cushion for next weekend - nevermind that I have no idea how to do such a thing) and hooks and molding from Lowe's.  I'm hoping to hit Target tomorrow for bins and accessories.

I will post befores and afters when I have afters to show...but right now, I just need to decide whether or not I should spread the love by painting my laundry room door before I close the lid on the can of paint....

Crazy Hat Day: A Study in Personalities

Nothing beats being informed by your children when they get off the bus at 3:30, that there is something special at school TOMORROW, for which they need very specific and special things.  Like, for instance, Crazy Hat & Hair Day at Springbrook Elementary - a celebration of the end of the second quarter of the school year.

Molly informed me that she needed her hair to be GOLDEN.  Not her usual blonde, it needed to be SPRAYPAINTED gold.  Jack wanted to attach a lightbulb to a hat so that it would light up when he had a "bright idea".  Mind you, there were mere HOURS before stores closed last night, and a mom can only do so much.  I tracked down a stick up closet light for Jack at the "As Seen on TV" store.  Like this....

And I thought maybe I can actually DO this!!!  Which is clearly where I went wrong.  I should have just told the kids to suck it up and find something in the house.  But nooooooooooooooooooooo, I had to go try and be SuperMom, making dreams come true everywhere!

When I got to the store, they didn't have what I needed - they had something similar, a "stick and click" light - they told me that the stick up BULBS hadn't been manufactured in two years.  But the stick and click was not a light BULB, and I knew ( knowing my eight year old as I do) that it was not going to fly.  Only a BULB would do.

Four stores later, at 10pm, I came home with no gold hairspray, no lightbulb, and hours of housework left undone while I was on the chase.  I brought Molly home a sequined hat and some clip-in rainbow colored hair extentions, and brought Jack home $30 worth of stick up lights and headlamps to choose from.  And stayed up until 2am getting my housework done.

And here is where the personality study comes in. 

YIN...
Molly woke up, asked me if I found the gold spray, and pouted when I told her that I did not.  Then she saw the alternative I'd come up with.  At first she resisted the idea, preferring to stomp her feet once or twice and shout "But MAMA, it has to be GOOOOOLLLLDDDDEEEEENNNN!!!!!".  Then, she turned her frown upside down, and skipped off to the bathroom with her extensions.  I put them in, she loved them, and then skipped all over the house, ate her breakfast and skipped to the bus, exited to show off her colorful "Crazy Hair".

YANG...
Jack woke up, and asked me if I'd found him a lightbulb.  The second the word "No...." came off my lips, the shrieking began.  There was no breakfast eaten, teeth were not brushed, hair was not done.  He cried, and moped and screamed and yelled, and kicked and stomped and grumped and screamed some more until the very second it was time to get on the bus. 

This is the child with the fabulous new mowhawk, which I offered to spraypaint red, or sparkly (with leftovers from Halloween), or red AND sparkly.  Not good enough. 

This is the child who already owns enough crazy hats, headlamps, construction helmets, spy headgear, etc. to start up his own store - surely one of those things would do!  Nope.  Still not good enough.

He was not going to be satisfied until the Lightbulb Hat Fairy came down and placed the hat of his desires on his head.  And much to our torment, she was busy today.

I tried to help him ease into a Plan B.  He screamed at me.
Ben tried to make him laugh.  He screamed at Ben.
Molly asked him why he was always angry.  He screamed at her too.
Then he hid in a closet and flat out refused to go to school.

I had to threaten to drag him to school and leave him on the front steps before he finally put his jacket on.  And cried mercilessly all the way to the bus.  Our neighbors asked what the problem was.  One even had green hairspray in her HAND and asked him if she could give him a green mowhawk. 

He just shook his head 'no' as the tears streamed down his face.

This, as one of my favorite parenting books says, is called "digging in".  A kid like Molly can let go and move on.  A kid like Jack can't.  Even if he wants to.

I can see Molly repeating my past, following Jack around trying to help him see the happy side of life.  Trying to cheer him up, to make him laugh, to see the silver lining, to pull him out of the hole he digs himself into.  I spent YEARS of my life doing the same thing with Marc.  And in the end, all the exertion didn't bring him UP one bit.  Instead it brought me DOWN.

Life has taught me that when you're a fiery, "spirited" personality with a propensity to dig in your heels and a tendency to see the glass as half empty...you've just got to figure it out for yourself.  Life will give you the lessons, and after much repetition, you'll either figure it out or you won't.

But for the shiny happy people like Molly and I, it's mighty hard to sit by and watch life teach those lessons.   We instinctively want to make it easier, make it happier for the Marcs and Jacks we love.  I so wanted to go to school and pull him out today - to take him to lunch and let him lick his (self-inflicted) wounds.  But that would be teaching him the wrong thing - that you can be mean to the people who love you, and ruin things for yourself....and get away with it.

It goes without saying that my LOVE for him doesn't waver one bit when he does things like this (though my 'like' is sometimes in flux!).  I will love him no matter how many times he's mean to me, or rude, or sullen, or miserable.  But I won't take away the consequenses of his actions, because only THOSE will teach him that there might be a better way. 

T minus 60 minutes to bus dropoff.  Let's hope the afternoon can be saved!

What's Cooking in Chicagoland

Cooking is such a HUGE part of my life, as I'm sure it is for every parent who does the bulk of the cooking for their family.  With three meals and three (or more) snacks to plan each day for the five of us, it's kind of all consuming.  If I'm not cooking, I'm cleaning up from cooking, or preparing to cook, or thinking about what's on deck for dinner, or what my pantry needs, or what groceries I need for the recipes I'm planning.  I'm thinking about who ate enough fruits and veggies today, who needs to drink more water, did I remember to give everyone vitamins?, did I pack the lunches yet? , oh my head I haven't eaten yet today and its NOON! and so on.

Last winter I had a great system going and usually managed to have something delicious for dinner each night.  But then came the packing and the moving and the settling in - and any 'system' I had got blown to smithereens.  Poor Marc has to resort to cooking himself pasta more nights than I want to admit.

Part of my New Year's Manifesto (which isn't quite ready for publication yet) is that I want to nourish our bodies with a more well-balanced diet.  One specific goal related to this is to have dinner planned and ready for each night of the week, keeping in mind that some nights, the answer to "What's for dinner?" may be "leftovers" (my personal favorite)!   But by planning it better, I can keep my stress to a minimum and keep us thriving on meals that nourish our bodies rather than just feed them.

This past week, due to the unexpected "visitors" I mentioned in my last post, I didn't have much time to plan and had even less time to cook.  But I managed to come up with two meals that are cheaper than takeout, taste delicious, and can be prepared in than 15 minutes or LESS.  I think both of these will go into regular rotation they were so good!

15 Minute Thai Chicken Pasta
(inspired by my favorite Cheesecake Factory dish, but so much healthier!!)

INGREDIENTS:

• Archer Farms Thai Peanut Sauce (from Target)
• Linguine or Fettuccine
• Chicken cutlets
• 1 red pepper
• 1 carrot
• snap peas
• 1 scallion
• bean sprouts
• peanuts

DIRECTIONS:

Minute  1: Boil water and cook pasta to package directions.

Minutes 2-10: While pasta is boiling, slice up the red pepper, julienne the carrot, finely chop the scallion and slice the chicken into half inch strips

Minutes 10-13: Throw the pepper, carrot and snap peas in a microwave steam bag and steam for 3 minutes

Minutes 11-14: While veggies are steaming, stir fry the chicken on high heat until cooked through (3-5 minutes)

Minute 15: Drain the pasta and ladle portions into bowls. Top the kids' pasta with butter and parmesan and call it done.  Top the grownups' pasta with veggies and chicken, pour ¼ to ½ cup of Peanut Sauce over the top and garnish with bean sprouts, peanuts and scallions.

Ten Minute Fajita Rollups

INGREDIENTS

• Target’s Microwaveable Frozen Mexican Veggies (peppers, onions black beans, and corn)
• Old El Paso Mexican Rice (in microwave pouch)
• Chicken cutlets
• Whole wheat tortillas
• Light sour cream
• A Lime
• Half an Avocado
• Salsa 
• Light Mexican Shredded cheese

DIRECTIONS

Minutes 1-5: Microwave steam the veggies

Minutes 5-6: Microwave the rice 

Minutes 2-6: While veggies and rice are cooking, slice two chicken cutlets into ½ inch strips and stir fry over high heat until cooked through. If you want to be thrifty with your time, make the Thai Pasta the night before and cook enough chicken for both dishes.  Dice the avocado.

 Minute 6-10: Put a whole wheat tortilla on each plate.  Top the kids' with cheese, nuke it for 30 seconds and call it done.  Top the grownups' with sour cream, rice, veggies, chicken, salsa, avocado and shredded cheese. Squeeze the lime over the top.   Roll it up, eat it open faced, stack a few and bake it in the oven as a mexican lasagna - whatever floats your boat!

It Takes A LOT to Knock Me Down....

150 Christmas Cards in the Mail by the first week in December?  Check!
Christmas Open House for 75 of our new friends?  No problem!
Christmas Eve and Day Festivities?  Piece of Cake!
Trip to Massachusetts one month after our Last Trip to Massachusetts?  Of course!
Taxi-ing to takeoff when my husband turns to me and says "I see bugs in Molly's hair"?


WHAAAAAAAAT??????? (record scratch followed by eerie silence)


The little "project" I mentioned two posts ago had nothing to do with fun crafties, or home decorating, or party planning or general mommyhood.  No, my "project" is the eradication of six legged creatures that rhyme with MICE from our lives. 

It was all sorts of fun to find out Molly was completely infested while trapped in a steel barrel with wings at 38,000 feet for two hours.  There was absolutely nothing to do but grin and bear it.  I had to find my happy place and stay there until we landed.  And once we did, the you-know-what hit the fan!

I gave the boys a cursory once-over and, not seeing anything moving, dragged them from the plane, straight to Terminal C's airport salon.  It took 97-year-old Marie about 45 minutes buzz both of them, but it got done.  Jack managed to walk away with the mowhawk he's wanted so desperately because it was the only way I could get him to cut his hair without actually saying "MOLLY HAS LICE!!!" out loud, and panicking the entire building.

We got into our rental car and hightailed it back to my mother's house, where reinforcements were waiting.  I had managed to text a hasty "Molly has lice get shampoo asap" to my sister before the flight attendant caught me, so they had RID shampoo and a variety of large plastic bags ready.  We stripped our jackets and hats and anything else we could remove and sealed them up, and I whisked Miss M up to the bathroom for her 'treament'.  There were at least five live bugs the size of fruit flies crawling around on her scalp, not to mention the itty bitty ones. Blech!

Then the combing began.  Through ten days, one holiday/birthday, a variety of venues and two states, the combing is still going strong.  Two days ago I showed Marc one infinitessimally small nit I found in Molly's hair and he exclaimed "how do you even SEE them?!"  He was right - I feared I was going blind, I had been staring at scalps looking for needles in haystacks for so many hours!  But at least I hadn't seen anything alive on anyone's head since the second day, when I spotted two on Ben's noggin and dragged him at 6am, kicking and screaming, off to the bathroom to be treated.

I called the school Monday to alert them and to make sure Molly could return safely to school.  No sooner had I uttered the words "I haven't seen a live one in nearly a week" when the gods of pe;diculosis laughed at me.  That afternoon, I found three teeny, tiny, nearly invisible, LIVE nymphs (baby lice) in her hair.

Marc finally made the call that we neede to bring in the calvalry.  Ronna from Nit Witz came yesterday to save the day, and whatever shred of sanity I have left.  She checked every head in the house, confirming that the boys were all miraculously nit-free.  And sadly, that the girls, myself included, were not.

After all was said and done, we were given the green light to resume our lives, though Molly and I have a maintenance plan we have to follow which includes;

• daily comb-outs with special gel and a special nit comb
• daily bedding changes
• daily laundering of all clothing, hats and anything else that touched Molly or I
• 3x weekly shampoo treatments
• daily spritz, roll on, gel and leave in conditioner to repel lice from ever wanting to come back

When we go two consecutive comb-outs with no nits, then we can progress to twice weekly comb outs and only changing pillowcases.  Once we go two weeks with no nits, we are free.

It's a whole lot better than my previous plan of laundering anything that wasn't nailed down, and stacking it all up in the laundry room for fear of bringing it back into circulation, combined with round the clock combing and checking of heads, followed by neurotic pacing.

But it seems a long way off for a girl who has about twentyeleven loads of laundry to fold and her own head of hair to comb out.  Part of me thinks a flamethrower or a Sinead O'Connor hairdo might be easier.

I think it's time to pour a glass of wine.

The String and Octopus Guide to Parenthood by Colin Bowles

My best friend posted part of this essay on her Facebook wall the other day and I choked on my coffee it made me laugh so hard!  I found the original essay, by Colin Bowles and it describes my life today with 99% accuracy! 

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.


1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.


2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.


4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?


5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.


6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.


7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate popsicle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.


8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. . Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
9A **My Addition**  After you repeat everything you say five times, yell it really loudly.  Then, when everyone looks up at you and says "Why do you always yell??" sigh loudly and shake your head, then pour yourself another cup of coffee (if it's before 5pm) or a glass of wine (if it's after 5pm).


10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.


12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

Sometimes nurturing means leaving them alone

I've been busy with a project the last few days (more on that another day) but because of that the kids have had more time amongst themselves.  Part of that means more electronic entertainment than usual (TV, Wii, DSi, Leapster, iPhone, etc.), which I don't necessarily like.  Eventually, it's my job to shut off the machines that go Ping! and force them, through their tears and gnashing teeth to GO PLAY.

Miraculously, if I stick to my guns and refuse them their drugs of choice, they do!  There is nothing that makes my heart swell like seeing them using their imaginations and playing.  Granted, they usually play individually, probably due to the 3 year age difference between each of them (8.5/5.5/3.0).  That, plus an oldest who doesn't like to engage in group activities with little ones who mess up his grand ideas.  I think if Jack was a girl who loved to mother, it would be a different dynamic.  But this is the dynamic we've got, and it has it's own blessings too.

So here I sit, ignoring them and lo and behold, what do we have?

Molly just handed me a 'flower' she made by taping a carefully crumpled drawing to a pencil stick. 

Ben is singing to himself in the bathroom mirror while trying on various headwear; first his Iron Man helmet, and now a pair of light-up goggles.

Jack is building a wall of home furnishings (with a faux-plexiglass window) as a safety zone so he can thoroughly test the properties of various household materials in response to being shot with bullets from his new Nerf gun (more on that earth shattering purchase later).  Simultaneously he is developing a remote firing mechanism for the gun, so he can be safely ensconsed behind the safety wall when the tests occur.

I'm sure it will all end in a screaming, crying mess with "he touched my toy!" and "she's bothering me!" and "Ben pooped - he stinks!" but for right now, I'm enjoying the peace that comes from full scale deployment of children's imagination.

I'll deal with the mess later.

Cousins

Can you find the picture crasher?

We had to say goodbye today to some of our favorite people in the whole world.  Auntie Judy and her girls had to head back to New York.  Thank goodness for Christmas presents and puppies that could distract Jack, Molly and Ben from their grief! 

They packed so much fun into the last four days; shopping trips, movie nights (and days), fashion shows, talent shows, magic shows, arts and crafts, snow fort building, and much more.  I think they all realized that the time between visits has stretched longer and longer over the last year or two, due to all the changes and choices in our lives.  That's why I let them stay up late, told extra-long bedtime stories, ignored some infractions that would usually require discipline...I wanted them to have every minute they could together.

I almost forgot how much I adore my nieces, but they reminded me in short order!  Corey at 17, turning into a young woman, with her gentle, sweet (and sometimes painful) sentimental heart..Abigail at 10 with her lanky legs and dark glasses, ever the perfectionist, working hard to follow the rules and make everything just right...Sarah at 8 with her big brown eyes and rock and roll spirit that just draws the other kids in wanting to be near her...and loveable, cuddly, 7 year old Jane with the temper that comes out of left field to knock her opponents between the eyes.

All four so different, yet each wonderful in their own way.  Because we see them so infrequently, it's easy to see what personality traits never change, and the ways in which they grow.  I'm so glad that one thing that has always stayed the same is their fondness for their Mallett cousins.  It's that special bond that holds them over until the next time.

Thanks for coming Auntie Judy!  We'll miss you!