Crosswalk Rage and Parenting U-Turns

I had a unique experience today that has stuck with me and made me think a bunch.  On our way to return some library videos, I was stuck at a four-way stop in the middle of downtown Naperville.  Twice the cars had gone through around the circle, and twice, I missed my turn.  Four-way stops are tough, because you've got 3 roads and 4 crosswalks, making 11 points of entry to watch out for.  I realized I'd need to be a bit more agressive if I ever wanted to get through this stop.  So on the third go-round, I went!  And halfway through the intersection, people started crossing the crosswalk in front of me from BOTH directions.  Foiled again!  So I stopped mid-way across to let them all go. 

There was an older gentleman with his golden retriever, a group of college students, a rocker chick, and a middle-aged woman.   This woman has the most AWFUL look on her face.  She was grimacing so badly that I was trying to figure out what on earth was wrong with her.  And halfway across the crosswalk, she turned to face me and walked across incredibly slowly, so that I would clearly realize that her look of disdain was for ME!  I was the one who had offended her!   I yielded them the right of way, but I guess not well enough for her, because she made it her mission to walk across the crosswalk as slowly as humanly possible all the while giving me the most SCORNFUL, contempt-filled expression.  Kind of like this... but without the wagging finger.

I eventually gave her a wave of my hand signaling "Okay lady, I see you, I get what you're doing, but we're blocking the intersection here so can you and your sourpuss get a move on?" She shrieked something at me and stalked away.

I couldn't shake her negative energy off all afternoon though, that horrible look was so powerful.  (I even came home and Googled "four way intersection, right of way" to make sure I didn't break any laws -  I hadn't).   And then I got to thinking about last night, at Curriculum Night at school, how Molly's teacher was so flustered and upset in her second session (which I went to) because of a parent in the first session who, during the Q&A portion, read her the riot act for not giving enough homework to her first grader. 

Anyway, 'Scorn Lady' and 'Curriculum Screamer' got me thinking about why people (some more than others) have such an inherent need to judge others.  Some people can't let any offense, any dissatisfaction, any breaking of the rules go.  They feel morally obligated to point out the misdoing.  They MUST either passively or agressively point out to the 'wrongdoer' the error of their ways and many times feel the need to tell others about the percieved wrongdoing as well.   Sometimes people even take stories they weren't even present for - news stories, gossip, tabloids, etc, and repeat it to anyone who will listen.

Why do we do that?!

Because frankly, it stinks.  It might make the judger feel all pompous and self-important for a moment..."Haha!  I have pointed out how you are WRONG and I am RIGHT!!  I am president of RIGHTDOM!  I may not change the world but for one brief moment *I* win by making *YOU* lose!!". 

But it's at the expense of the judgee who gets the brunt of the negative energy.  Some people (like Marc) can shake it off quickly.  But others (like me) can not.

Even though it seems like the people who spend the most time judging others spend the least time applying those judgements to their own lives, they still lose.  Because when we put negative energy out, it's not only that it comes back to us...it consumes us as we're dishing it out.  So we might think we're putting someone else down, but in doing so, we've already put ourselves down.

Of course, if someone is breaking the law, or doing something so wrong as to cause harm to themself or another, others should rightly step in.  I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about petty issues that really don't matter in the grand scheme of life - that the next hour or the next day really won't mean diddly, except for the negative vortex it creates.  Just a big ole stew of bad karma that leaves everyone in it's path feeling vaguely nauseous.  These are the judgements that don't FIX anything.

The WORST PART of all this philosophising?  I realized that 

I'M TOTALLY GUILTY OF IT.

This is horrible.  Awful.  Embarrassing and painful to admit.  But I have developed a habit of doing this the people I love the most.  Particularly my kids.  I've been getting caught in the minutiae, feeling as if it's my parental duty to follow through with some form of disciplinary action every time they goof up.  Usually it's just a verbal reminder..."Clothes go in the hamper, not on the floor!"..."We pick up our toys or else we lose them"... "Food stays in the kitchen"...  So even though there's oodles of love at our house, there's also this constant peppering, all day long, of me correcting them.

But lately, and I'm noticing this in retrospect, I've added a disdainful tone of voice to my 'corrections' so that they have become more like 'admonishings'.   When I say things like...

"I can't BELIEVE you (insert infraction here) AGAIN!!"

"What are you DOING??!!" 

"How could you DO that?!"

"What were you THINKING??!!"

I know why I'm doing this; because I'm sick and tired of asking for the same things over and over and having it fall on deaf ears.   But being disdainful and scornful and condescending, like that woman was to me today, does not get me what I want.  In fact, it gets me something I don't want - bad feelings between me and my kids, and them feeling ashamed, berated and sad.  And me feeling awful.

So it's time to figure out a way to get back to the way things should be, used to be.  And that begins with me.  I've got to catch myself before I ever utter a negative word.  From now on, when I'm feeling like I'm going to blow, instead I'm going to try and picture that woman's contorted, horrible, disdainful face in my mind.  Is that how I want my children to picture me?  Heck, no!

I want them to feel loved and supported, that I'm on their team, that I've got their back.  And when they fail, I want them to know that my arms are there to hug them and my heart is there to love them and my voice is there to guide them.

They are good kids with good hearts and smart minds and I need to remember that and treat them accordingly.  I also need to set up some systems and routines to govern the things that drive me batty,  and I'm working on that.

So thanks, Scorn Lady.  You taught me a valuable lesson today. 

I do not want to be like you.  EVER.