The Sweetness...

It's almost unbearable sometimes. 

 As hard as parenting four kids spread over ten years is, the truly unbearable part I'm referring to is the sweeness of having a sleeping baby in your arms in the still of the night. 

And this time moreso than ever.

 

 

I took this picture on my cell phone the night that Maeve and I had spent the whole day struggling with nursing.  Her pediatrician wanted me to supplement her with formula for her jaundice and it was a total disaster.  She was miserable, constipated and refusing to eat anything.  And my milk production had taken a nosedive. 

 

The lactation consultant at the hospital suggested we do a 'nurse-in' and spend 4+ hours in bed doing nothing but skin-to-skin contact and nursing on demand.

 

I didn't think much of it at first, but lying in bed with the lights dimmed, snuggling my baby skin to skin, turned out to be one of the most intimate experiences I've ever had.  It was the closest thing to having her back inside me, but even better I think, since I could see her and feel her and love her in person.

 

That was eight weeks ago, and the memory hasn't faded one bit.  I think it's going to be one of those memories that sticks with me, like the one I have of cosleeping with Molly when she was about 3 months old and I thought I could never possibly love her more than I did at that moment. 

I have memories like that of each of my babies - it must be something about the still of the night - that peacefulness, coupled with the new baby sweetness, that cements the memories so firmly.

 

Tonight, Maeve was having a hard time falling asleep so I picked her up out of her swing and rocked her in the glider for a bit.  Looking down at her I was just so profoundly grateful that she is ours.  And I could see every one of my babies in her face. 

It was as if I was rocking Jack, and Molly and Ben all over again.

 

My heart is so full,

and I am so blessed that I get to do this one last time.