Dear Maeve on the eve of your first birthday party

Sweet Maeve,

I had so many intentions when I planned your first birthday party. I wanted it to be the perfect celebration of you and your first year.

I intended to make you a beautiful slideshow with a montage of the video 'conversations' you and I have had each month, and I wanted to take all the special pictures of your milestones and do something special with them around the house.  I wanted to make your baby book, and highlight so many special moments.

But instead, this week when I had blocked off time to do all those wonderful things?  Instead of that I held you and I rocked you.

I held you and I rocked you all through the night while you cried and couldn't settle down because your nose is stuffy and your chest is congested and your ears hurt.

I laid awake with you on my chest, gently patting your back when you stirred, and keeping your head elevated as you wheezed and snuffled and gagged and puked.

Instead of staying up late making you a fabulous slideshow I comfort nursed you for hours and hours and hours, and made the rounds from glider, to bed, to swing, to crib, and back again.

 

Instead of printing out all those adorable photos and putting them up on a clothesline documenting your first milestones, I slept with you in the crook of my arm where you threw up all over me and all over my bed, requiring a middle of the night shower for both of us and three loads of laundry the next morning.

Instead of making the wall art that I envisioned, I did laundry, and washed your hair and changed your pajamas and kissed your head and let you pinch me and hit me and cry on me in frustration.

So even though your birthday party will be fabulous, it may not have all those little details that I had dreamed of.

But that's okay with me because I'll have lots of months and years to print out the pictures of the memories of this first year, but I only have right NOW to soothe you when you are unsoothable, to shush you to sleep when you wanted to scream, to nurse you when you could hardly keep anything down, to love you when you need to be loved by your mama.

Because in the end, that's what all this motherhood business is about. And I thank you for reminding me of that simple but important lesson with your sleeplessness and puke.

There are still two weeks until your actual birthday and maybe I'll get some of those little slideshows done, or maybe I'll spend some more time blogging with my two thumbs on my iPhone while you rest on my chest, like you're doing right now.

 

I sure do love you little one.