38 is....

If I could go back to visit my sixteen year old self, I would look deep into her eyes and tell her "You are BEAUTIFUL!  You are AWESOME just the way you are!  You are smart and strong and engaged in every major sport, extracurricular activity and job a person your age can be - Don't EVER let your psyche or some rude comment from a peer make you feel like you're not good enough for anything!" 

If I could go back and visit my 25 year old, newly married self, I would shake her by the shoulders and scream "GIRL!!! 105 pounds??  You will NEVER see this AGAIN!  Strut around in your bikini 24 hours a day and go find some gorgeous light so your new husband can take 1000 pictures of your fabulous self!

You live and you learn.

Today I turned 38 years old.  I loved every minute of 37 (except maybe the first few days of our move and some other random, vomiting or coughing or constipated illnesses on the part of my dear children.  Oh, and two Sundays ago - that one was a real beast of a day!). 

So for the most part, I adored 37.  But 35 into 36 was awful, until I learned the lesson I needed.  Life is what it is, but how you choose to view it makes all the difference in the world.  It is what you make of it.  And you never get it back.  That moment right there?  Gone.  And this one?  Like the wind.  If I curse any of those moments with negativity, pessimism, darkness, hostility, anger, self-loathing, apathy, misery, self-pity...then I am cursing myself and my family with wasted time and a darkened spirit. 

Good begets good.  Light begets light.  Let a little shine in, and more will follow.  And the reverse is true as well.  So from the depths of what is the closest to depression I ever hope to come, to the bright sunlight of today, I pulled myself, willed myself up, by forcing myself to follow the "fake it till you make it" protocol.  Meaning that even if I would rather have hidden under my pillow or immersed myself in Facebook to avoid dealing with whatever the day brought...I forced myself to get up, paste a smile on my face (sometimes I literally had to take my fingers and force the corners of my mouth to turn up) and go about my daily work,  shunning negativity, forcing myself to take note of the joyful moments around me.  And little by little, practice after practice, it became second nature, until it actually WAS my nature.  The nature I'd taken for granted my whole life, until it wasn't there anymore.

Once the goodness started to flow, it was like a snowball effect!  The flood of happiness and goodness, the incredible people and opportunities that have come our way over the last 12 months can only be described as divinely inspired. 

So today, for my birthday, I wanted to have some pictures to look back on when I am 68 so that my 68 year old self won't want to come back to visit me in the here and now and slap me silly.  To show her that I GET IT!!   I celebrate it!  I can celebrate myself!  Yes, I have flaws - LOADS!  I am starting to wrinkle.  I am pudgy.  Lord am I pudgy!  I am too often short-tempered with the kids.  I yell.  I hate yelling, but still, I yell.  I stay up too late.  I am too independent sometimes and slack at taking care of Marc.  I can be cold and judgemental (harsh, but true). 

Even so, life is GRAND.  Totally imperfect, and totally wonderful at the same time.  So I got my camera and tripod out and fiddled with the self-timer until I got the kind of pretty picture that I always take for everyone else. 

This is ME.  This is TODAY.  And I thank God for every second of it!

I also thank God for my awesome sister-in-law who baked me a birthday cake from SCRATCH!  With icing that takes 7 minutes to whip!  And two layers!!  And chocolate shavings!

It's so pretty I think I need to go have another bite...

 And I thank God for my team of professional candle blower-outers...

A rag-tag, cute as can be bunch.

And for gorgeous October days, just like the one Marc and I were married on!

And for giving us such a cool place to live, with so many fun things to do nearby, like the Morton Arboretum! Not many places in this world that you want to return to the second you leave - this place was amazing!  Our family membership was my birthday gift to myself.  Yay!

And I thank God for beautiful flowers sent from London and Massachusetts and delivered by crazy Chinese drivers who made for great storytelling later in the day!  And for family and friends who sent so much love to me today, through cards, emails, phone calls...what a lucky lady I am!

So far, 38 is GREAT!